Sunday, March 10, 2013
This Is A Blog Post
It is 5:30 in the morning. Lafayette just received its heaviest snowfall of the year. It is March. Apparently March, if at all, is when we get our heaviest snowfall these days. These Days. Jackson Browne. Nico.
Most of the time I try to make this at least a little bit entertaining. I try to spruce it up with little bits of things that I know to be entertaining if one is willing to focus in on them: poetry, comedy, drama, fiction, pop culture references, etc. I'm not going to do that here. I'm going to be narcissistic and pedantic. I'm going to bitch for awhile. Bitching is all I have right now and goddamn it if I am not thankful for that.
I am depressed. I have two jobs that I try to try my hardest at most of the time, but a lot of the time I find it hard to give a shit. I also put on a drawing club (The Drawing Board if one prefers brevity and pretension) every Sunday. I never know where this drawing club is going to be each Sunday, but I do know, as long as I am in that mind state where I am, it will exist even if there is no one there to benefit from it. I see it as good even if I have trouble seeing any good in this world at all. The thing is I have trouble seeing the good that is in front of me because I am aware of the onslaught of wickedness that is a lot of the known world. I am immersed not only in a sea of human wickedness, but also a sea of human apathy. Meh-ness. White Noise. Don Delillo.
"As technology advances in complexity and scope, fear becomes more primitive."
- Don Delillo
I haven't mastered hypertext yet so here is the article I am quoting from:
I'm scared of this world. I should not be scared of this world. The opportunities in this world are limitless for anyone who has a brilliant idea that is willing to tough it out in the name of passion.
On top of working two jobs: Unofficial assistant manager at Amused and guy who watches over the Art Museum of Greater Lafayette's gift shop, I am also an artist. I design all the shirts and flyers for Amused as well. Plus, I sweep the place occasionally and clean the glass in the pipe room when I am uninspired by anything else. I am also writing a book whose chapters I post on this blog from time to time. I hope I can finish it just as I hope to complete any creative project I begin. I do all this without much support from family and friends. I don't blame my family and friends for not supporting me because I have never been forthright with them on how I feel about these things. These things are me. They are what I've experienced and what I've imagined. They are what I will experience and what I will imagine. I am not ashamed anymore. I am a human and I express what humans need to express if there humanity happens to get the best of them. You see? Narcissism. I don't think it is always bad.
It is six in the morning. I should be lying next to someone I love, holding them tight. Fending off the cold that this new kind of late winter unloads on us. I am not. I am lonely and it is my own fault because I can't stop writing the word, the letter I.
There are many that function within this world, within this current environment with healthy and flying colors. Good for them. I'm not concerned with them because they have it figured out or at least they claim they do. I am concerned with those who do not have it figured out. They are my people even if I do not exude it in my day to day life. You know how it is. You have to keep up day to day appearances.
Things are hard no matter where you are. Seriously. If not physically, than mentally. Psychologically. You've got to carry that weight a long time. Abbey Road.
I use to damn the internet because it is (was) an outlet to truly express yourself to everyone that is (was) not paying attention. People should pay more attention. It's hard to pay more attention because this global awareness gives one so much to pay attention to. I ended on a preposition. That is a grammar no-no but it is the only way I can explain how I feel. Do you see what I'm saying? Pedantic.
I (always I) wonder what this new generation is missing. Narcissism again. This is not ironic. This is not a joke. I am lucid here at 6:30 in the morning in Lafayette, Indiana on the biggest snowstorm thus far in the year 2013. I am thinking and drinking and I want you to know it is real. I want you to know that it is natural. I want you to know that it is both natural and unnatural. I want you to know that you are special, but not so special that you are better than the rest of us. You are the rest of us. You are human. You are a lonely atom in this machine. There are others who feel the same way. You need to find them. It is your only option besides death. Find them. Its far too easy not to. Why not try and find them? We're global! Nothing has ever been easier and you still find it too hard!
That doesn't hurt enough to not try.
That still does not hurt enough to not try.
Fuck you. Try.
Many things want you not to try. Yet you still try.
Good. For. You.
Good. For. Them
I want you to know I love you.
I want you to know that there is a good chance that you are a lot better at this than me.
Aaron C. Molden